dead funny

[pope on a rope]

An angry man walked into his local police station and threw a bag of cocaine on the counter. He told the desk sergeant that it was a substandard cut and demanded that dealer he bought it form be arrested. (South Carolina)


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my mother's deed. my father's deed too. i think i should take them out of the attic, they're starting to smell.

[professor_pumpernickle]

DUMBASS!!!!!.......
.......funny tho, i'd do it for a million.

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Stand inside you'r lover

[The Minstrel]

A man is standing in the pub and notices a lady at the bar, he goes over to her and says "whats your name ?" she replies "Carmen, cause i like cars and men, whats your name ?" the man replies "beer cunt"

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Im not in love, its just a phase.

[The Minstrel]

An inventor gives his wife his latest invention, a self lubricating vagina. The wife asks "what am i going to do with this ?" the inventor replies "teach it to cook then fuck off"

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Im not in love, its just a phase.

[pigeon]

a man goes to the doctors and says to the doctor, "dude, every time i look in the mirror i get an erection whats wrong with me" the docter replies "thats cause you look like a cunt!"

"oral sex makes your hole day, anal sex makes your hole weak"

------------------
A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.

[cheap and evil gurrrl]

that oral/anal sex thing is completely gross.

------------------

[newkid]

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game
where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate
Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only
please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones
ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you
know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney
World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your
answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you
do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."





------------------
'newkid', not 'THE NEW KID'....Okay?!

[the new kid]

hahahahaha.etc.

------------------
im dead good me

[pennyweighter]

L..O..FUCKING..L
LOL
sweet, is that true?

------------------
this is one mans view

[The Minstrel]

Thats got to be the best ive ever heard, i pissed myself laughing for about ten minutes. Top marks (still laughing)

------------------
Im not in love, its just a phase.